(Scene: Mamie is zinging around the house like a pinball accelerating off rubber backstops. Solly is watching and trying to calm her down.)

Mamie (puffing): …Lists…I need lists…I’ll never get done in time…

Solly (inner brows angling downward): What’s wrong, Mamie? Why are you so very frantic?

M: It’s the holidays, Solly. I’m not very frantic. “Very” is redundant. Very frantic equals frantic. I’m frantic. A simpler statement has more oomph.

S (rolling his eyes): Noted, Mamie. Why are you frantic?

M (palms up): …How can you stand there, Solly, with a newspaper in your hand?   

S: I’m going to read.

M: That’s exactly what I mean!

S (eyebrows descending): Uhhh…

M (pointing): It’s the paper.

S: Yes. I’m holding it.

M: That’s the problem, Solly.

S: What problem, Mamie?

M: You’re not making lists. Of the extra tasks.

S: Lists?

M: Or cookies. Making cookies.

S: From scratch?

M (hand waving): Going to church services.

S (sitting): Attending or conducting?

M: Listing gift recipients.

S: Mixing and matching?

M: Listing what the gift is going to be.

S: Spreadsheet, anyone?

M: Wrapping gifts.

S: In mylar, right?

M: Going out and buying gifts.

S (looking horrified): You mean actually selecting them?

M (rolling her shoulders): Or writing the holiday letter.

S (stretching): No writer am I.

M: Addressing the holiday cards.

S: Printed computer labels in fancy script?

M: Writing personal notes in each card, Solly.

S: Surely not in cursive, Mamie?

M: Buying holiday mailing stamps.

S: We should bypass the stamps by emailing.

M: Cleaning up.

S (eyebrows rising): Like with a duster?

M (nodding): For the party we haven’t planned yet.

S: I’m better at attending.

M: Listing holiday concerts.

S (eyes widening in horror): In the planner?

M: To help us organize each day.

S: What info, Mamie?

M: Event name, start time, location, and cost to attend.

S: All that in the planner?

M: I didn’t even include decorating. You’re making fun of my holiday task lists.

S (shaking his head): You’re practically frothing at the mouth. I just wanted to read world news and lighten the moment.

M (shaking her head): There is no “I” in “team.” 

S: Is this about organizing?

M: We’re a team. How can you do your part of the work if you’re not organized?

S: I can’t. I want to read.

M: No time for news, Solly.

S: Mamie, there might be concerts listed in there.

M: Read quickly. Get the planner. Note them as you progress.

S: …Just a reminder that I retired and am now a man of leisure…

M (frowning): I retired, too, which means that all this stuff I had to do alone, because you were too busy working, can now be divided by two: half for you, half for me. Together.

S (forehead stretching upward): I’m losing this battle.

M: Yes.

S: And I still haven’t opened the newspaper.

M: Tick-tock.

S: I think I want to start a streamline-the-holidays program.

M: How, Solly? I’ve already streamlined them for you.

S: You listed a million tasks for me, Mamie.

M: Yes.

S: I’m already exhausted just thinking about them.

M (reasonably): But you only have to do half. I just cut the work in half for you.

S (lines forming in forehead): I only have to do half?

M: I do the other half. Starting with the master list.

S: …Cookies, church services, gift recipients, gift identities, wrapping, buying, holiday letter writing, cards, notes, stamps, cleaning, parties, concerts, planner.

M: You have a remarkable memory when you put your mind to it.

S: Yes, but I thought of something else, Mamie.

M: There’s more, Solly?

S: Expressing thanks for how blessed we’ve been, this and every year, with the people we have in our lives.

M: You’re right. And we should give thanks in church, in our holiday letter, in our handwritten holiday card notes, and in person.

S: Happy holidays, my sweetness.

M: Back at you, my love.

Author’s note: Linda Lemery llemery@gmail.com wishes all Evince readers the happiest of holiday seasons.