(Scene: Karma-Lita is a Karma Delivery Professional. Her personal motto is “Get karma’d.” Today she’s carrying a big book and delivering karma to George, an unsuspecting victim who works the night shift.)
Karma-Lita (singing it out): Ring-a-ding-ding in there, Apartment 2-C! It’s not nice to keep Karma-Lita waiting in the hallway! Open the door and get karma’d!
George (through the door): …Who’s there? Whatcha want?
K: Open the diggity-daggity-door for your free KDP update!
G: Go away. I’m grilling. I am too busy for whatever syrup you’re selling. I’m not opening this door. You sound like a nutcase.
K: I smell bacon. But I am Opportunity, Loose Brains, and it’s not every day that Opportunity knocks. How can you have a karma delivery and not open the door to accept it?
G: It’s an efficiency apartment. My kitchenette’s right here. And I didn’t order any karma. Is this that new Indian food store down on the corner of Taj Road and Mahal Place?
K: No, Numb Knees, you didn’t order any karma. You can’t order karma, and you’re certainly not earning any right now. But last year you assisted an older lady with a cane, Helena Bozeman, who fell while trying to cross the street.
G: What? Where?
K: Over on West Main Street, Memory Man. You saved Bozeman from being mowed down by a red Shelby Mustang with a custom but loose airfoil driven by a male senior citizen with cataracts.
G: I did?
K: Because of the loose airfoil, Bozeman’s dog Montana, too, would also have been flattened fauna with a side of slice-and-dice.
G: I saved Montana?
K: Plus, you also dragged that pit bull out of the crosswalk, the one that launched itself at Montana and instead buried its jaws in your extra-large-sized hiking boot.
G (cracking the door open): Yowser…I’m opening up this door just enough to see who’s out there. Don’t try anything. What did you say your name was?
K (easing inside): Your memory is shot. Is this the way you want to live your life?
G (moving backward, putting a table between himself and Karma-Lita): Wait. I remember the dogs now.
K (moving toward her side of the table): That’s the first karma-ray of hope I’ve seen in your miserable aura, Fluff-Head.
G (rubbing one eye): I’d forgotten the woman’s name.
K (standing up ramrod straight): Attention! Alarm! Alarm! Alarm! Minus one point karma deduction!
G: What?
K: For forgetting the name of the lady you helped, what’s-her-name.
G (looking baffled): I’m losing a karma point? What’s that?
K (slapping down a thick manual in front of him): You can look up the definition later, Bar Stool.
G: I’m George, by the way.
K: George, your bacon’s burning. Have you considered karma-lizing onions instead?
G (turning and switching off the bacon): I hate onions. And try not to pull your punches. You could hurt yourself.
K: You’re outta your league, Georgio. You should never forget the people you help. That’s bad karma. Minus one more karma point.
G: What is this—a game show?
K: No games. Karma point awarded for making a superhuman effort to drag all four of you off the chopping block.
G: I guess that’s something. What’s your name, again?
K: Karma-Lita. You may call me, “Your Munificence.”
G: You’re astringent for an Indian food operative. You should consider working on your door-side manner.
K: Bongo Man, here’s the card with the reward on it. KDP with a big ole 2 on the front. Two because you got one karma point per life saved.
G: Don’t I get three? I saved the pitbull, too.
K: Don’t push me, Gorgonzola. Flip over the card. It has our jingle.
G (flipping the card): Yeah?
K: It’s catchy. Here, I’ll sing it:
KDP,
Simple as 2-4-8,
Simple as great, great, great,
KDP,
Plus, you get to
Meet with me!
G (sigh): Where can I spend these karma points?
K (snatching up the book): You don’t spend ‘em. Good things will just happen for you. It’s in the book, but your time’s up. No book for you!
G (snarkily): Maybe you need it for your next victim?
K (whirling out the door): And remember KDP’s motto!
G (frowning): What’s that?
K (smiling, throwing the words over her shoulder as she zipped away): Be sweet: Choose Karmal-Corn, Not Karma-Geddon!
